You said “why me!”

You said “I always thought i’m not your cup of tea.”

What i want to say is.

My dear, it was the worst mistake to only realise now that my cup of tea is always right infront of me!(ALL THE TIME!)

I simply can’t do without you. :D

Let the rain pitter patter,
coz' it really doesn't matter
If the skies are grey.
Long as I can be with you,
It's a lovely day.

Feeling on 01/06/10 -- Grey Anatomy

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

cuz you should know you own the pair of shoulders i will turn to immediately, whenever the world falls apart from beneath my feet.

Feelings on 04/06/10

Things might not be so happy-trippy all the time, maybe you rarely get to feel that rush of anxiety when you meet the new chick/guy you’re dating….but that doesn’t mean a shit to me anymore. I don’t need a shy moment or 2000 heartbeats skipping when I see you walk towards me from afar. All I need is your hand in mine and the knowing smile we share when we meet because of all the things we’ve already been through and for everything else we’ll face, cuz you should know you own the pair of shoulders i will turn to immediately, whenever the world falls apart from beneath my feet.

Happenings on 08/08/10

Zhi says (10:34 PM):
but actually i will accompany friends to anywhere
ƃuoısıǝʍ says (10:34 PM):
ehh
i want go europe
Zhi says (10:34 PM):
IS THAT AN INVITATION
ƃuoısıǝʍ says (10:35 PM):
it was a joke
Zhi says (10:35 PM):
OOOOH
ƃuoısıǝʍ says (10:35 PM):
HAHAHA
but i want go europe
Zhi says (10:35 PM):
hate you
GO LOR

ƃuoısıǝʍ says (10:35 PM):
would you want to come with me pleaseeeeE?
Zhi says (10:35 PM):
ok i sell my house first kay
ƃuoısıǝʍ says (10:35 PM):
okay
ƃuoısıǝʍ says (10:36 PM):
i won't wait for you
Zhi says (10:36 PM):
ok you wait ok 3 mths
ƃuoısıǝʍ says (10:36 PM):
hahahahahaha
Zhi says (10:36 PM):
LIKE THAT LAH
ƃuoısıǝʍ says (10:36 PM):
3mths a tad too late
season wait for no man
Zhi says (10:36 PM):
ok i pawn my dog

Feelings on 08/06/10

The day I gonna be a qualified accountant. Just before the exam, I was so damn quiverish. Mugging the bible and shuu's audit textbook right outside the exam hall where everyone started to stream in. Then the invigilators stopped people from studying and move it. I was still feeling rather nerve-wrecked. Drop my bag, into the exam hall. It pissed me off when those invigilators started to ask me put my water bottle on the floor, pencil case on the floor, the back of my calculator on the floor, EVERYTHING. A sudden rage came, I didn't know why I was even feeling this way. For the exams, for taking my thoughts away from me, from making me putting in so much effort, for making me restraining myself to ??? . My last paper, i told myself whatever shit im feeling now, i just gonna pen it straight into the paper, and fucking pass it with style. So I wrote 4 booklets. To the awe of the invigilators, to add the grieve and stress to those surrounding me taking the exams. Perhaps, that's how I get the assurance. I'm no longer as comfortable as my confident yields me in the past. The quantity made me feel that restraining myself all these while, not putting in 100% in everything, saving grace for this particular last paper was worth it ultimately.

Feelings on 11/06/10

I wish I were able to write the way one speaks. I wish that one day, the barrier of white paper that protects and isolates me will dissolve. What can there be behind this dazzling rectangle, what paradise or hell is hiding behind this opaque window? Yes, how I wish I knew all that. The great hypocrisy of writing, and also this huge joy at the distance established, the gloves I put on in order to reach the world, to reach myself -- resides precisely in this matter which interposes itself between me and myself, this circuitous route by means of which I address yours truly.

...

I wish I wrote the way one speaks. I wish I wrote the way one sings, or the way one yells, or simply the way one lights a cigarette with a match and smokes gently, thinking of unimportant things. But that is simply no done. so i write the way one writes; sitting on a straw-bottomed chair, head tilted slightly to the left, right forearm carrying at its end a hand resembling a tarantula in motion.

...

Perhaps people write novels simply because they do not know how to compose letters, or vice-versa.

- Le Livre Des Fuites, J. M. G. Clezio

On another note, I think I like zp alot. Her cuteness, her agreeableness, her smile, her dressing, her openness, her intelligence, her flair for the arts...Every date we will book a subsequent date. The feeling rocks.

Feelings on 18/06/2010

Friend told me that Dracula Girl made breakfast for ActQuiet guy. No. dracula girl is attached, and has none of any affection or interest in ActQuiet guy. She made breakfast for him because of a simple msn convo which ActQuiet guy mentioned he don't eat breakfast when he go to work. And since both of them are working tgt, so she prepared some bread, handmade herself, and gave to him during work.

Even friends can be treated this way. What say close friend? I'm actually thinking of what i did last time -- buying mcdonalds when i picked someone up in the morning to go for job search coz' probably she wouldn't have time to eat breakfast, or even cooking for someone....nah, in retrospect, I kinda felt that my actions were schweet. And I kinda wish I could be the other party too. The one receiving it, without asking. Yes, without asking is the whole essence.

Sigh. Guess that would never be. haha. Don't get me wrong, it's not just a matter of giving, it's a matter of making someone's blissful and happy. But wells, guess that would never be. really. simple things like this are damn schweet and it will touch me the most. On hindsight again, I told someone I wanted something in return for whatever I do, for i couldn't find any more love or fortitude or friendship value left to giveeee her. Brought up cases. Then after which she just kinda forced me to give a reply with 'what do you want'. 'what do you want'.

Firstly, it's a failure to even ask that question, as most of the time, i read her mind and gave her the things she wanted. Secondly, that just shows that she doesn't even bother to spare some thought for me (me being too enigmatic is not an equally good rebuttal). Thirdly, i'm just a spare. Painful again. So finally my reply was: 'i want love.' It wasn't a figurative of speech. I really want love from her, literally. The potion to fill up my currently empty tank. She prolly thought i wanted to get into a r/s with her, which she's an arbiter of love anyway and the very fact that she must 'love' that guy as the FIRST CONDITION, promptedme that there was no chance after all. I seriously don't mind getting tgt with her lahh, but then not at this point in time. But then again, she prolly think i'm too lousy for her, which is effectively true compared to her suitors.

So i said 'love yourself'. How else can i put it, if she can't even understand simple terms like 'i want love' right? Friendship love, relationship love, brotherly love, camaraderie love....so many types, and any picks would be correct (albeit the first being the most appropriate) So......what can i say...what can i say....love yourself. It's a good enough answer, it meant 1) it's futile to put it further. 2) there's no liking between us. 3) we prolly need to draw a line. Maybe maybe, I always tell myself, one fine day, perhaps when she's older and dare stand forth in her emotions and handling it without avoiding, she would garner some wisdom and strength and maturity, then similar issues will bring flashbacks to whatever happened between us, and she could see and understand the 'blind spot' which she couldn't grasp when looking at these issues earlier on.

But by then....where would i be? I ask myself. At that moment precisely, I envisioned few years from now, a scene of a restaurant i brought her to previously -- her table seated a guy, with her making her recommendations with excellent knowledge which i oh-so-endearing taught her -- while i am seated few tables away, having the exact same degustation menu she would be ordering in the next few minutes.

Sigh. I don't know. Anyhow, perhaps platonic friendship isn't so true after all. It's quite saddening, isn't it? I'm prolly moving on, a hug from the back or the most expensive meal in town doesn't cut it anymore. It's like Argentina and soccer, to show their supremacy, they must do something...like scoring goals with different hat tricks and methods. So that others will be reinforced the mentality that they reign supreme. So if she thinks that our 'dainty friendship' is worth more, she needs to do something to prove it....

Feelings on 19/06/2010

Kinda misses you. Really. I guess if you didn't ask me out by tuesday, then we will probably not meet for a long long time. I made up my mind to take cfa already. Then after my internship, I will go to a nice beach resort myself. A hiatus, a recluse. I thought who could I really ask along. And I couldn't think of any except you. Moving on, sometimes, is hard.

Feelings on 21/06/2010

I applied and got in for cfa. I hurt someone else from my angst. She probably likes me alot more than i like her. But i try my best to offer as much to be on par. Now. I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work myself till i'm tired. I watch the wind play with the trash. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Oh wait...you don't.

I seriously don't know what assurance i'm looking for. I even wonder if you even have a moment, to think about me and anything at all. Hence, to buy out of this misery. I told myself I will let you know. And i don't even know what i'm waiting for. Everything's too arbiturary and blur.

Feelings on 25/06/2010

Second major results are out. Not in the mood to check. But I'm still happy coz' today is friday. And i have no appointments for the weekends! Woohoo. No more angst, no more angst! On another note, chris asked me if im interested to go next sat for a gathering. What should i reply? There isn't a good enough reason/excuse not to go. Say 'I don't feel like going?!' She would definitely nag me for it. Hate naggings. But then again, it's a valid excuse after all. So to avoid all of these from happening, i ignored. Sigh. Poor girl.