Relevation -- for you
Today is the day I sat for my last paper. Though I kept saying that this certification isn’t that of much significance, it is something I’d achieved after 3years of mugging. Anyway…i’m extra perturbed by the things going through my head recently. I’m not as happy as I look! a friend just updated me on a changed relationship status on facebook, i wonder what everyone thinks. I know, one moment I am a arbiter of true love and the next love sucks. push me against my will into that typhoon called love lost and found again.wtf??? but we all get through this. in 30 years (if i’m not dead) im going to look back at everything i did with regards to finding my one true love and laugh about it because maybe 10 years from now that still evades most of us. it’s not just love, it is also aspirations and careers and responsibilities. what seems most poignant right now might not be the most important but we live in delusion, still. Anyhow, I miss my best friend..sick of doing some things I do, but once again fall back into doing them and no, it has nothing to do with retreating into my comfort zone. But do you actually realised that whenever you feel happy, that person will be in your mind?!? Then you tell yourself, no, she won’t be there for you. So you lamented, perhaps with just a loud sigh onto the glass window or something, then try to act nonchalent as if she never came across your mind. Yup, that’s how i feel about my best friend. I’m not dissing. I really love her. Really do. Lest i don’t know how we ended up this way, probably more half my fault.but at this moment,that’s just how i feel. In another perspective, in this darkest of moments, i’m probably exaggerating, it wasn’t her who was with me. It was mainly my close friends — their schweet thoughts, efforts and everything else put me to undeceitful shame. the simple messages to ask how i am, the willingness to drink with me, the call before the flight and again when it landed, the nice pat-on-the-back, the unpretentious concern, the willingness to just drop everything aside to hold me forlorn, agree-ing with me, putting up with all my nonsense stories and the ongoing effort to read deep into my implicits. because it really sums everything up. in joleen’s words, diabetes haha. this is what close friends should be, always sunny on the inside and out, despite the many storms life throws at you.They are the people who loved you when you are not so lovable. I’m sorry best friend. I know that I’m probably in the same category of him, him and her and her and perhaps a few others. Under the umbrella of that group I obviously not alone. Prolly just an odd orchid amidst the roses. I couldn’t take this, there’s a reason why you are the best, but if it isn’t reciprocal, I once thought it was okay, now it wasn’t. I have gotten selfish. i don’t know why the decision held, following my constant need to keep hands from prying so things do not turn awry. i live in a world of pretend-equilibrium, a balance i so carefully attempt to construct & keep, without which self-doubt and the cattiness from the outside world we love <3 will most definitely devour me. Looking at your photos doesn’t cut it anymore, neither does writing…playing the piano comes and goes. what does it take for us to find our spaces again? there’s nothing to look for between the lines… i don’t believe anymore that love and loss and emotional turbulence are the impetus for mark making/ artistic journeys +++ there must be so much more! I’m sorry best friend. Sorry for not being able to be there for you, sorry for your logic which thou can’t fathom, sorry for forcing you to learn things which i deemed necessary for you in the future, sorry for always trying to making you think harder than what you wanted. I knew you hated me for these, for you always ignored me whenever i do such things to you. And funny how i always feel so defeated during and after an argument but beneath all that ???? haha. you’re actually beaten too. i used to brood over nonsense like that maybe without actually understanding you, or me, or the basis of our entire relationship, but now its not weird or crazy to me anymore. sure it’s still painful, but in some terribly odd way that evades me, i actually comprehend our semi-dysfunctional relationship. but of course i’m incapable of explaining this to you rationally, i know you’ll prolly want an answer. But it all kind of boils down to how two people cannot possibly like and destroy each other as much as we do and at this moment i have come to a stage where it actually makes sense. Lol! Also, i hate the parts of nighttime where silence eats you whole and there’s nobody. Granted, we’re always lonely one way or another, but for me right now, you’re the best parts of lonely. We fight so much its hard not to feel empty during the lag time before we make up, but i dunno.. making myself miserable thinking of you makes that same aloneness more tolerable somehow. maybe Pisces and Scorpio are really conflicting horoscopes (if you really believe in that when you put your hand to your heart) or maybe the dragon and dragon are meant to be according to the chinese zodiac. Depends what you believe in, but I guess I will always believe in you. Maybe people hurt each other relentlessly when it becomes a need and when perhaps becomes property..I know it always looks wrong with us.
in other news, alcohol is such a safety blanket. i’ve been drinking so much! (not a good thing) the haze that follows after your mind begins to become inactive is depressing and soothing at the same time. i really think that will be exactly how you would feel if you died and your spirit’s hovering above your body, helplessly watching.
