Cute Girl

I went out with cute girl today. We invited agl too, which she declined at first coz' her PA normally end after 8pm even on Friday. She eventually agreed after much persuasion by both of us. We went a couple of places in search of cider. It was a good night. She's really cute. We had a good htht after we dropped agl off. She shared her deepest secret with me. And with woeful, vulnerable, yet earnest look in her eyes, she warned me multiple times to keep it secret. It wasn't the usual sob story of love and affection. But more on betrayal and gullibility. I was driving, so I couldn't really see her languish state which she probably tried hard not to portray anyway. I told her it was okay, for I'm at a loss of words; I couldn't tell her I felt what she felt, hers was afflicted with remorse and painfulu susceptibility. I would probably hate myself for a long time if I were her.

Finally, I said: "so how now?'

If the clenching of a fist resembles the size of her heart, she would have tightened and close her heart by now. She curled herself towards the side of the window, away from my view and asked "where are we going?"

I adjusted her chair while thinking hard of the shortest possible road back to her house. She was tired. Quiet and drained. I rested my hands on her shoulder, and slowly settled on her hand. She did not flinch. After these moments of solitude, amidst the softened blended background music of saxophone and piano, I replied "finding a way..."

Her reply was a short "take me away then", before fumbling with her ipod and my iphone to find her genre of music which she liked. Her oldies. Frozen in her own world. Oblivious; as if framing herself out of the cruel world.

I asked her out to do shopping with me.

She left her twitter account with me.

And so I say

I have often admired and wondered at your ability to widen your eyes immeasurably just to mask the welling of tears. How much did a tear really cost anyway?

I messaged the organiser. "Hey, we need to talk."

The appointment was 9pm, she could only free after 10pm. We accommodated, we even changed our venue to avoid the much-hated cover charge. Yes, as usual, I was the one to book the tables and the first to reach. Then two by two, 4 other came and we waited. Another person, being hasty, called her at 10pm, asked if she's coming, and in 5 simple words, she said "Oh my god, I forgot."

She didn't come in the end. She asked her boyfriend to call me after receiving my message. Of course, I played coy and daft. What for ruin a friendship for such trivialities right?

Then I cursed myself for spending 1hr sitting by the bar in cold solitude, just to get ditched. Perhaps I'm used to it. I'm used to giving so much and not getting any in return. I'm really getting used to expecting nothing from anything, even when I put in so much effort.

In the end, she sent me a lengthy SMS, saying how sorry she was. I said it's okay and don't fret over it. Does it matter? No. It's over. The pain is there. I lied. It's okay? My foot. Don't fret over it? My foot. The only way to say sorry is to make up for it.

But how else can I put it? I can't plainly to ask you to make up for it right? and if i did, and you didn't. Then, probably, it's really over.

And she rejected my ultimatum

Excerpts:

You treated me very well, i’m definitely aware of that. However, there’s one thing we have to be sure of. As a friend, as a close pal, as a buddy, there’s always a limitation to what and how much we can sacrifice for the other party. If we ever step across that imaginary line, our friendship will be different.

As we say, “no matter what happens, we’ll always forgive each other.” To me, our friendship is definitely priceless. That’s all i have to say. As for your dateline, I can’t do it. I know i won’t be able to recover that fast, I don’t want another outing like yesterday. I know you’ll say you don’t want to drag as it might worsen things, but i guess it’s tough on us too. Let us take a break for the meantime. Don’t brood over it. We will meet up soon. We’ll be fine. That’s my assurance to you. =D You’ll be starting your internship this coming week, hope everything goes smoothly for you. Jia You! =D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I loved how she put across to me about 'imaginary line'. Furthermore, how would things go smoothly when I can't even settle such problems. Dont' brood over it? What fuck, IF I'M NONCHALENT ABOUT THIS, I WOULDNT EVEN GIVE YOU SO MANY CHANCES. You needed time, you needed time. Yet, I want to solve this issue before I start work, so that I could at least have a piece of mind. Simple logic. Never mind, I'm giving in this time. Time to heal your wounds. It's okay, I'm not important, as always.


And since she rejected my ultimatum, my logical mind says that's it. It's gone. Yet, my emotions say otherwise. I love her, I can't let her go. But at least now, it's halfway through. Now it depends whether my logical mind can influence my other half.

I just wish to feel happy again. If anyone of you reading this, if you could just chat with me, I will feel much better. Thanks all.

And so...the ultimatum

I wrote this to her:



All these while I did similar or not more sacrifices for you, for different things, being there for you, your listening ear, your msging partner, making you excited by bringing you to different places, and so many more. Because I believe you would make the same sacrifices if you were me. Hence, I asked nothing for return.

Yet this time, I asked something in return. Reason being I shared with you something so so so personal, my ‘competitive advantage’, my one year of gruelling hard work. I want something tangible to tell myself it was worth it.

So I requested just a day with you.

Shop with me. I said. My day is for you.

Unconditional offer and acceptance.

Furthermore, I cancelled meeting 3 clients to keep my time available for your uncertainty of Thursday and Friday. I know it was a mistake, a huge one, but it was worth it. For the sake for you. Our pact.

However……..

You didn’t even tell me the time to meet today till the depth of night.

I told myself it was because you are going through a tough night. I messaged you, stayed in bed, phone on my chest, so that the vibration would at least wake me up if I unduely fell asleep.

2pm you said. Ok.

Then…….

Then in the morning you suddenly say you going for a wake in the evening.

You said you thought of meeting me earlier. The timing was 11.14am, isn’t that a little too late for that?

How can I let this go. It was our promise. You PROMISED PROMISED PROMISED. I understand about the wake, for such happenstance and unforeseen situation do happen.

I was thinking……why not another day? Is that person related or a close friend?

I asked. You mentioned the person wasn’t close. But you wouldn’t wanna go alone. So since they are going today just because.

Such simple sacrifice. You can always make a sacrifice to go alone, just for once. You can pester me to make another arrangement to make up. You can ask me to go to the wake with you, which I will agree wholeheartedly, as my day was still with you.

None you did. Not even an offer to do something back for me.

I treated you like Everything, like a ‘girlfriend’. But now I understand. Even when I made it clear to you about my infuriation and ardent disappointment, you didnt cancel your wake. You did nothing to pacify or comfort me.

So is this how it is? All one-sided? When I can only change my hp password to yours, and you must couldn’t? I could cancel my meetings, while you couldn’t? While I planned and mull over your academia, transcripts and cover letters, and you couldn’t even plan abit of shopping for me?

It was then I dawned upon myself that that’s how deep our friendship is. I teared on the way home again.

This is it. I had enough of crying, mulling and introspection. I’m seriously hurt. The dateline is sunday night. I want something from you. Something at least to touch my heart. The faster you do it, the easier it is.

I hope you understand what is at stake.

This time I would not hug you from behind or lock your bag in the car.

You can add this on to your pile of regrets, or save this very one at least.

For this time, I will keep myself free even the depth of the night. Anytime.

And so, i say, it is all up to you now.

Yesterday evening was like a RPG game -- finding places, keys to unlock, complete mission.

I was on time for my class actually. My last lesson. But for no apparent reason, the carpark was closed. It was aggrevated by the huge amount of traffic perhaps due to a nearby hotel function. 10mins gone by. 15mins was how long I took to get out of Cuppage-never-ending-loop-of-doom. The nearest carpark I could think of was orchard central. I love how the ramps are made to make people go giddy.

By the time i reached class, I was about 30mins late. Grand entrance. Then again, on hindsight, I shouldn't have gone class. Missing out from so many lessons, I could not decipher a single bit what the hell was going on. No doubt the qns are uber simple, but my mind was too cluttered and braindead to absorb anything from my law teacher, ironically.

Ohh, I forgot to mention I left my wallet in Fluffy's bag, and forgotten to take it back when I dropped her off. I'm getting absent-minded. She was at town catching a movie. I was starving and I needed money to EAT. Perhaps I feel more secure with my wallet around me. My daily essentials. What if I got into an accident right? Or anything bad, since my luck was down the drain yesterday. So, I texted her, and decided to have her pass me my wallet just by the aisle of the threatre outside. It was a mad dash in the rain, kicking myself in my butt for not driving there instead. It's a good thing that sweat and rain are so similar that I'm actually glad it rained. Anyway, she passed me her wallet and I went off.

Perhaps I was already feeling incredulously 'inebriated' by my hunger and cluttered brain, I felt even more morose when a guy came out of the cinema together with her. There was no reason for a guy for wanting to just accompany a girl to pass another guy something that could be done in a split second outside the theatre. I'M JUST OUTSIDE THE DOORSTEP and I WOULDN'T LET HER WAIT SINCE SHE'S WATCHING A SHOW RIGHT. What more could be said upon such subtlety: firstly, he's checking out the other guy. Secondly, he's marking his territory. Thirdly, he's trying to show off that she asked him along (she didn't, but it seemed that way, what for? right?) to just pass me a wallet.

Seriously, what would I think. It's morbidly disheartening. In my careworn state, huffled breaths and cold like shit, I didn't even dare to shoot a look, much less glimpse at that guy. Yes, if you as a reader is discerning enough, you would understand what I actually mean. Him 100 - me 0. Furthermore, it had a multipier effect. It just made him look like a gentleman. Ohh gosh.

I admit I'm a strong advocate of subtlety, if put to good use. But by employing such tactic to another guy, it's plain 'sun tze technique' of causing plausible humiliation and defeat. Yes i'm scornful. Be it that way. I don't like how fluffy not understanding his ulterior intention. (Of course, it would seem as an affable gentlemanly gesture)


Just like kungfu, it was meant for self-protection. Never for attack. And the same goes for subtlety. Sometimes, it's a very sad thing to do so much for someone who have so many suitors around her, for I don't even know where I stand. Different segmentation. Same market.

The night that I cried infront of someone

It was a day that I looked forward to. After my exams, and I have all the time in the world. She said she gonna plan the whole day for me. We went school to settle my hall payment, then to vivocity to shop for formals, then to marina for a short walk, raffles quay for a quiet dinner. We ended the day at marina bay sands.

It all went downhill after sands. My leg hurt. She received a phone call from her friend. Her classic relationship issues. We didn't talk at all in the car. Watching her wrenched state, I brought her to have a few drinks. It didn't work.

I can't act normal with my blithe insouciance. So, despite my uber tired self, we walked to a nice waterfront and it started........

She said about her problems.
The same few problems.
I was determined not to give any advice, for those I said many a times.
Then she said something about me.
Something about her.
Something about us.

Frankly, I'm really happy to meet her. Delighted. Yet, at that very moment, her words stung me like crazy. She was actually right, I know. I'm not going to iterate how much I do for her, but she doesn't appreciate it.

She said something so selfish and hurting. Luckily, there was a bunch of cyclist that made quite a din, coz' I'm sure I whimpered. I turned my back against her and tears just flow. Thoughts and flashbacks imbricated, like how collages are, layer over layer, till I couldn't hold back any longer. I felt like crap. I felt whatever I done was just nothing. She took me for granted. Now it's a definite.

I fucking never cry for years. I asserverate that she's really important to me. I was her batterment, her wisdom, her adviser.

She held my arm tight, she knew she said something very wrong, for I never even cry when I almost die. This is the ultimatum. Like how manchester united 20 - 0 stoke city.

I didn't say anything. I don't want to say anything stupid. Anything to aggrevate or something correct but she wouldn't get it anyway. She leaned on my shoulders, hunched, listening to my shallow woeful breathing. I tried hard to keep it to me, really.

After some time, while I was fighting to regain my composure, she got angry. She stood up and wanted to just leave. I held her arm. She pushed me away. Brute force. It continued till we walked back to the boulevard.

And I knew, if I let her go right there, at that moment. Everything is gone. I was so saddened that she even did this. All she thought was for herself; for did she understood that if she walk out of my sight then, I would have just given up and move on. Subconsciously, my mind was letting her go; for she vellicated me in the first place, I was there for her, and never vice versa. Yet, she can just think of walking off.

The disappointment was at least 1000000x times the pain of dropping my big mac on the floor. I can't find a better euphemism. Her shadow was long. But it was my heart. I pulled myself, ran over and just grabbed her from the back. It was an area near her breast, I couldn't really care where I touched, seriously. Brute force, returned. She tried to struggle but I guess I was determined to settle it tonight, or 15years would go to naught.

I really cried at that moment. I said wussy stuffs like, 'you can't leave without trudging me along' , 'your wallet has no money' (which is true as I stole her wallet).

In the very end, after different postures of huggings and weepings, we didn't lock lips. Don't be stupid, my lips would be gone if I do. I pulled her close, as tightly as possible -- to avoid her looking at my sorrowful depressed yet chagrined and disappointed state. Her blouse was my tissue.

Now properly, in the very end, we settled and she decided to let me send her back. She cried a pocketful of tissue after that. We sorted things out. We are probably going to continue with this ambiguous state of proximity and distance.

But no matter what, I think she's too much to lose. And after this episode of teardrops under the serene moonlight, things will change. For the better or worse, I hope time will tell.

习惯两个人

像种感冒 爱情出现了 忽冷忽热的挣扎
才刚坐下 有说有笑 一眨眼有微笑是正常
晚上一样 花好几天的冷战把情绪交换
我坐立不安 怎麼比分手还难

你是我的肩膀 我的信仰 是我的温暖
有时候我在想 留在你身旁是爱你 还是爱上陪伴

习惯两个人不见不散
习惯一睁眼就寻找对方
习惯让我们懒散 不再坚强
对寂寞丧失抵抗

习惯两个人睡单人床
才能沉睡到天亮
如果你离开了
我束手无策怎麼办

总是习惯 若无其事的 继续为爱而繁忙
究竟是装 宽容大方 还是呢忍受房间空旷
我们总说 时间到了就该 懂得好聚好散
我坐立不安 陷入爱的拉锯战

你是我的肩膀 我的信仰 是我的温暖
有时候我在想 陪在你身旁是爱你 还是爱上陪伴

习惯两个人不见不散
习惯一睁眼就寻找对方
习惯让我们懒散 不再坚强
对寂寞丧失抵抗

习惯两个人睡单人床
才能沉睡到天亮
如果你离开了
我束手无策怎麼办

习惯了圆满 怎能又
重新习惯空出的另一半

习惯两个人不见不散
习惯一睁眼就寻找对方
习惯让我们懒散 不再坚强
对寂寞丧失抵抗

习惯两个人睡单人床
才能沉睡到天亮
如果你离开了
我束手无策怎麼办

但愿我爱上的不是爱上你的习惯