Introspective mood...
Alright, life is to go on...i'm been thinking alot recently...
No, i had not gone through my lecture notes or tutorials so far..i read them through, tried very very hard to understand them, but i failed...i don't know why..it's a mental block...it just refused to digest anything to do with school and studies...It wasn't a nice feeling...i know im losing out...but fuck, i just can't concentrate..
Then, i remembered the time last year, it was the same helpless feeling...
Damn those who claimed i'm clever and able to catch up...well, last year was a total bluff, prelims and stuffs...i never knew if i'm on the right track and hell, there was not a single soul that could give me the assurance i needed...i was just on my own--seeking the target like a treasure but armed without a map...But then again, it was a bluff...i somehow scraped through prelims and 'O's...i was just lucky...
Alright, so much of the past, i reckon that helpless feeling should not be as bad as then -- the beginning of JC life is just mere honeymoon for jokers to try out subject combinations and see if they suit their style...it took me alot to write out that, coz' i knew first three months is still important somehow...
Honestly, i don't know what i'm feeling...i'm drained...again and again...i'm devoid of any feeling...if i asked myself how the hell am i feeling, i would be shadowed in the abyss of fear and pessimism...
And frankly, no one understand how i feel...no one would know...no one ain't in my shoes...the complexity of the human emotional system is far too enigmatic to people to fathom with pure sympathy...so damn those who claimed they understand when they don't...
Then, i think again...in a new dimension of hope and perspective...people who care and show concern to me...yes, i indeed appreciate them...I always believe i'm a person with high ego, and i seriously believe that without these motivators and encourgements i will still be the same--strong...i believe i'm a man of strong will, and not easy to fall...
But, I do appreciate the kindness of whoever who show concern, i say again...Perhaps, someday, i do need these people around me...when something more serious happen to me..of course, touchwood...
Pondered again, i feel i'm a different person now...of course good and bad...i realised i had a different outlook in life...i do feel i need to appreciate everyting around me..things that i paid little attention to...and of course enjoy life...life shouldn't be a mad rush, devoid of fun and happiness...Well, i don't know...maybe it's too young for me to say 'stop and smell the roses'...life is going to be a marathon, yes, you've been running...running towards a NO destination...
And yes, don't tell me god...don't tell me god made this path for me to walk and experience...coz' i'm already on the path and walking..perhaps running...perhaps resting...who cares what is the purpose in the end god want me to acheive...but i know if he set the course for me to acheive it, and so i'm acheiving it...
.........I don't know what i'm writing..and i know this post made no sense with jumbled pieces here and there...And please note, PLEASE do not leave comment..i wouldn't like any comment when i don't even know what the hell am i writing...
And i'm tired...i'm devoid of feeling...i knew i'm feeling something, but i don't want myself to feel it...it's a terrible feeling...but still it's a feeling....
Alright, i will go to sleep...Thank again to those people who showed concern...i would like you all to know i really really appreciate it...i swear...
p/s : I'm not crazy or whatever...don't ask me what happen to me...perhaps i'm crazy for the moment...and yes, get over the shock of this post..
