Monday, May 31, 2004

Hiatus over. I just completed my Chinese 'O' level examination. It don't seem to be of much difficulty, yet i don't think i can do really well for it. Okay, don't talk so much about it...

I got 2 letters last week, one from CDC to congratulate me for entering the High 5 Youth Award, the other letter also to congratulate me for being nominated as the Outstanding NCO Award. For both ceremonies, i need to be in formal attire: White long sleeved, formal black shoe, and tie. And the thing is, i don't have all these shit, I need to buy them.

Surprisingly, these two awards did not excite me, i don't know why. Perhaps, i feel so numb after my mid year nd before my chinese 'o'. And i thought after my chinese 'o', i will feel better. Yet, a rush of other problems flooded my mind just after i left the exam hall. I got my High 5 pre-departure camp, followed by 8day exchange camp in xiamen with the other high 5 awardees. In between these two trips, i will have my scout camp, and my investiture. Not to mention all my holiday programmes and lessons and make ups (coz' of these camps!)...And my investiture Planning! Everything seemed to be at a standstill...

So along with these fresh loads of burden comes a fresh load of stress, only to increase my adrenaline rush...I don't really like alot of students of my age, different wavelength (lambda)...Sometimes this dislike leads to despise...Not that i'm good, but i don't know why also...Yet coming to think of it, i do envy them, look at their life, their only concern is study, and nothing else...No household chores to bother them, no CCA activities to bother them, no other commitments...Isn't that nice? Haha...

I ain't have much left to say. And the little should be left unsaid...So that's all, a boring post. For those who endured it through, thank you...

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Friday, May 28, 2004

Set by the buildings


Today, if it is clear, Manhattan will flood dramatically with sunlight just as the Sun sets precisely on the centerline of every street. Usually, the tall buildings that line the gridded streets of New York City's tallest borough will hide the setting Sun. This effect makes Manhattan a type of modern Stonehenge, although only aligned to about 30 degrees east of north. Were Manhattan's road grid perfectly aligned to east and west, today's effect would occur on the Vernal and Autumnal Equinox, March 21 and September 21, the only two days that the Sun rises and sets due east and west. If today's sunset is hidden by clouds do not despair -- the same thing happens every May 28 and July 12.

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Monday, May 24, 2004

Optimism

After my guitar lesson today, i went back home with this classmate of mine. Okay, we talked quite a lot, and one sentence struck a chord in me.

"To care for someone is something worthwhile, you should feel happy if you care for someone. It's like giving a present, not only the receiver will feel happy, but the giver would feel the joy too."

She added...
"Someone caring for you is something to be proud of, but caring for someone is something to be even more proud of."

I don't really understood what she meant, my form of caring is mainly when those people, who are worthy of my care (I don't give a damn about lots of people), are unstable and need help. Perhaps need not be in the superlative form.

But the way she put it, it's full of optimism. I ache when i care for others, only to realise most of the time my help ain't a help after all. I ache when i put myself in their shoes. And aching isn't a positive feeling, how can i feel happy when i'm aching? Paradoxical.

Perhaps coz' it's paradoxical, it is known as optimism...
Can i be both optimist and pessimist at the same time? Perhaps not, life don't allow you to sit on the fence...Perhaps i should jump over the fence to the optimistic side, after being inspired by her somehow or another...

An example how a simple sentence made me think so much and pocrastinating my work by blogging...

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Sunday, May 23, 2004

I must thank my bestest pal, Mr Aaron, for accompaniying me during my melancholic period. I went out with him on Friday to watch Troy at Toa Pyoh Entertainment Centre.

I believed i'm okie now. And i also should thank those who did help mi in a way or another...thanks pal!

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Thursday, May 20, 2004

I walked with a kiddo before and after my meeting today. This kiddo is cute, so he will attract alot of passer-bys attention somehow. I always have a funny feeling when walking with a kiddo. And i do prefer walking alone. After the meeting, i wanted to be alone, yet i felt bad letting him stay and disrupt my thoughts, but i felt ever worse if i let him go, and he's just a kiddo...

Felt sad for my friend who was grounded by his mum for failing two tests. Serious arguement broke out. Of cuz his mom won and even his HP was confiscated, and no TV till his chinese 'o' levels. I normally don't express empathy to others, but i did to him... Don't know what is happening to me, i'm unlike myself. You might see i'm becoming a better person, but inside i felt miserable...


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Quotes

When you cannot make up your mind which of two evenly balanced courses of action you should take - choose the bolder. - W.J. Slim

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. - American poet Robert Frost (1875-1963)

I like what these two quotes say. I like the former coz' i'm always stuck in a crossroad, not knowing which step i would take. And i often think very long before i make my decision, i would also seek help from other people. Perhaps this only happen when i make major decisions in my life. Now that i seen this quote, i know what to do le.


I like the second quote coz'i think somewhat like that poet. i prefer to take the untravelled road, or less travelled road. I don't like the typical, i prefer to explore and do the unusual. I don't know why, but it's just me. Perhaps coz' of my own masochism too. I love to challenge myself! And torture myself!=)


I shouted today during morning assembly session. Dennis forgot to bring his tie and so i need to replace him to be the commander. So at the last minute, i rushed down, calmed myself. My commands sux. Though the people could hear, but my tone was absurdly unusual. My friend complimented me for using my 'stomach' to shout, while the whole school giggles at that very moment. How do you i felt? I felt nothing, really nothing, i don't know why. I'm numb again. I'll try again, to do better and perhaps the giggles will be lesser...

Meeting starting at 8, i'm going somewhere first before my meeting...I wish to visit that place again...

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Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Random trivial

God ain't on my side. I wanted to sleep an hour ago, but was woken up by 2 phone calls with 20minutes difference. And so i did not sleep at all. Back to this world. Can't let me have a break?? Dammit...

On a lighter note, i sat with a young kid in bus today. He eyes stuck on me. He gave me a smile, a very sweet smile. I looked at him, his smile drooped, turning into a frown. He did not dare to look at me after that. He was not as energetic as just now, maybe coz' of my presence. Before i left, i managed to catch his eyes once again. And just before the instant that he moved his vision off me, i brought out a smile. Noting that, he immediately replied with another smile. Though i had my back facing him when i left the bus, i could sense that he is looking at me all this while...

This young kid so young let me learn from him so much just over a short period of time...Emotions and body language are unspoken beauty...

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Back from hiatus. Exams over. I'm not feeling very good these few days, and my sadness hit climax yesterday. It made me unable to revise for today's paper. And so i finished both my physics and biology practical paper subconsciously...

Actually i don't know what is happening to me, and i'm also unable to grasp what is the problems that is pestering me. Dammit, i just feel something isn't right somewhere.

I always think that i'm a seasoned, weather-beaten guy who went through enough thick and thin to pass through adolescent life breezefully, thus i began to dismiss thoughts of alot of trival things that cling onto my mind. I somehow think that such small problems ain't gonna make me be stressed. Perhaps, maybe it's due to those small problems that accumulate in my mind that allow me to be stress. Another possibility might be that after a long period of tortures and pains i began to be more susceptible to stress. Even a machine need rest, so do i.

Anyway, I'm back to my introspective self again--reproaching myself and 'torturing' myself. I began to reason out with myself, often to find no solution. Never that my heart and my mind come to a consensus, though my mind is always dominant. And so, my heart feeling unhappy with me says i'm a jerk. Heart brought up so much instances tat i really felt bad about myself.
1)Did not even say 'happy birthday' to grandma during her birthday.
2a)Did not even send my mother to the airport.
2b)Did not even say 'goodbye' to my mother when she left for Hong Kong on a business trip.
3)Looking at things in a very practical, heartless way.
4)blah blah....

I would like to elaborate on point three. I always think that people are ultimately selfish and only care for gains about themselves. I refused to look at the good side of them. But then, most of the time, my mind proved me right, and my heart proved me wrong.

Heart says i sux. Heart want co-dominance with the brain., but won't it create more confusion? Maybe i will just give the heart a little more leeway...

As my heart takes up a more active role, i began to counsel my good friend who was feeling down after some issues with his loved one. I became more sad when i failed.

As my heart takes up a more active role, i decided to call up my cadets to remind them of the meeting on Wednesday. And perhaps to check up with my investiture committee how their work is progressing.

As my heart takes up a more active role, i decided not to scold my cadets terribly for failing my test...

And as my heart takes up a more active role, i began to feel more lowly of myself, and so i swapped position with my junior during assembly. (Commander to flag bearer)...

Maybe i shouldn't let my heart takes up a more active role, it's just not my style...

Still feeling heavy and sad, perhaps will go out tonight to have latte or something. I desperately want to escape from my work.

*Blogger not working when i clicked post, luckily i'm clever enough to copy my message first before sending. Why, god isn't on my side, keep making fun of me. =(*

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Back from hiatus. Exams over. I'm not feeling very good these few days, and my sadness hit climax yesterday. It made me unable to revise for today's paper. And so i finished both my physics and biology practical paper subconsciously...

Actually i don't know what is happening to me, and i'm also unable to grasp what is the problems that is pestering me. Dammit, i just feel something isn't right somewhere.

I always think that i'm a seasoned, weather-beaten guy who went through enough thick and thin to pass through adolescent life breezefully, thus i began to dismiss thoughts of alot of trival things that cling onto my mind. I somehow think that such small problems ain't gonna make me be stressed. Perhaps, maybe it's due to those small problems that accumulate in my mind that allow me to be stress. Another possibility might be that after a long period of tortures and pains i began to be more susceptible to stress. Even a machine need rest, so do i.

Anyway, I'm back to my introspective self again--reproaching myself and 'torturing' myself. I began to reason out with myself, often to find no solution. Never that my heart and my mind come to a consensus, though my mind is always dominant. And so, my heart feeling unhappy with me says i'm a jerk. Heart brought up so much instances tat i really felt bad about myself.
1)Did not even say 'happy birthday' to grandma during her birthday.
2a)Did not even send my mother to the airport.
2b)Did not even say 'goodbye' to my mother when she left for Hong Kong on a business trip.
3)Looking at things in a very practical, heartless way.
4)blah blah....

I would like to elaborate on point three. I always think that people are ultimately selfish and only care for gains about themselves. I refused to look at the good side of them. But then, most of the time, my mind proved me right, and my heart proved me wrong.

Heart says i sux. Heart want co-dominance with the brain., but won't it create more confusion? Maybe i will just give the heart a little more leeway...

As my heart takes up a more active role, i began to counsel my good friend who was feeling down after some issues with his loved one. I became more sad when i failed.

As my heart takes up a more active role, i decided to call up my cadets to remind them of the meeting on Wednesday. And perhaps to check up with my investiture committee how their work is progressing.

As my heart takes up a more active role, i decided not to scold my cadets terribly for failing my test...

And as my heart takes up a more active role, i began to feel more lowly of myself, and so i swapped position with my junior during assembly. (Commander to flag bearer)...

Maybe i shouldn't let my heart takes up a more active role, it's just not my style...

Still feeling heavy and sad, perhaps will go out tonight to have latte or something. I desperately want to escape from my work.



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Back from hiatus. Exams over. I'm not feeling very good these few days, and my sadness hit climax yesterday. It made me unable to revise for today's paper. And so i finished both my physics and biology practical paper subconsciously...

Actually i don't know what is happening to me, and i'm also unable to grasp what is the problems that is pestering me. Dammit, i just feel something isn't right somewhere.

I always think that i'm a seasoned, weather-beaten guy who went through enough thick and thin to pass through adolescent life breezefully, thus i began to dismiss thoughts of alot of trival things that cling onto my mind. I somehow think that such small problems ain't gonna make me be stressed. Perhaps, maybe it's due to those small problems that accumulate in my mind that allow me to be stress. Another possibility might be that after a long period of tortures and pains i began to be more susceptible to stress. Even a machine need rest, so do i.

Anyway, I'm back to my introspective self again--reproaching myself and 'torturing' myself. I began to reason out with myself, often to find no solution. Never that my heart and my mind come to a consensus, though my mind is always dominant. And so, my heart feeling unhappy with me says i'm a jerk. Heart brought up so much instances tat i really felt bad about myself.
1)Did not even say 'happy birthday' to grandma during her birthday.
2a)Did not even send my mother to the airport.
2b)Did not even say 'goodbye' to my mother when she left for Hong Kong on a business trip.
3)Looking at things in a very practical, heartless way.
4)blah blah....

I would like to elaborate on point three. I always think that people are ultimately selfish and only care for gains about themselves. I refused to look at the good side of them. But then, most of the time, my mind proved me right, and my heart proved me wrong.

Heart says i sux. Heart want co-dominance with the brain., but won't it create more confusion? Maybe i will just give the heart a little more leeway...

As my heart takes up a more active role, i began to counsel my good friend who was feeling down after some issues with his loved one. I became more sad when i failed.

As my heart takes up a more active role, i decided to call up my cadets to remind them of the meeting on Wednesday. And perhaps to check up with my investiture committee how their work is progressing.

As my heart takes up a more active role, i decided not to scold my cadets terribly for failing my test...

And as my heart takes up a more active role, i began to feel more lowly of myself, and so i swapped position with my junior during assembly. (Commander to flag bearer)...

Maybe i shouldn't let my heart takes up a more active role, it's just not my style...

Still feeling heavy and sad, perhaps will go out tonight to have latte or something. I desperately want to escape from my work.



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Friday, May 14, 2004

Yesterday

I took my Chemistry Practical yesterday. The instructions in the paper seemed right, but my gut feeling told me i'm wrong. My titration was screwed up! Wrong values all the way! But who cares, it's only Mid Year! Frankly speaking, this is the only practical i felt a 'kick'. 'O' level Chem Practical is too simple!

'My friend 1' and i broaded the same bus, we chatted on the way. 'My friend 1' don't seem to give me any eye contact. Not that i really care, (i'm bad), but some of my other friends also seemed to be avoiding eye contact with me. =( However, some of my friends love giving eye contact. Got an occasion when i took the bus with 'my friend 2', that particular friend of mine gave full attention and eyes stuck on me. I felt uneasy, so i avoided looking at that friend of mine when talking.

And there is this 'My friend 3' who said my eyes seemed to have the special abilities to look through them and the piercing look is rather bad. Well, i believed i have the capability to understand body language in-depth and study them. So they feel awkward...
Perhaps, i should talk to people with my eyes closed...

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Wednesday, May 12, 2004

I send you flowers and white lilies!

Perhaps due to exams, more people nickname have something related to dying. Disintegrating. Vanishing. Ceasing.
Dedicate this poem to those who feel like dying! Plagiarised from someone's blog...haha

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there.
I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in cycled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry


On the bright side, my physics teacher told me that the physics (duh!)paper i did yesterday was rather well done. Above average. I'm normally above average! =S What he meant? a B3? a A2? Haiya, but he refused to tell me my marks.
Thinking of it, i feel bad saying crap to him. Next time if a teacher come and say that to me, i will just keep quiet and smile. Even if they say i did badly (touchwood!), i would just keep quiet.Perhaps not, the next time would be prelims! I'll be jumping with joy or whimpering.

I won't deny that the Additional Maths paper is easy, it's only that i can't do. Damn...damn...damn...My school papers are always so easy! Yet, my standard ain't there! Damn damn damn...

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Tuesday, May 11, 2004






Exams started,been mugging all day long. I realised that my classmates love to talk about the previous paper that they did and compare answers, only to dampen their morale. And so two other friends and me would go to a corner to study for the next paper. Yet nothing seemed to hammer into our head so far. It was because my classmates felt so excited that they got the wrong answers and jumped hysterically around to create a devastating din in the air-conditioned classroom. They don't understood physics, small area, sound waves collision on wall more frequent...At least, they should show some decency in their behaviour...and be more considerate...

Always during exams, i feel melancholy, and this time is worse. The load is heavy, i don't know why. I was ticked off by someone today, saying that i need to be more practical. I'm always playing in taht person's role, telling people off for not being practical, for following their heart too much, for not thinking of their future......

I have friends who are truely altruistic, i don't think it's good in a way or another, yet i sometimes do admire them for that.
I have friends who are masochistic, inflicting damage on themselves. I don't know whether they feel happy about it. Perhaps i'm one of them too.




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Wednesday, May 05, 2004

A serene park

The sun rose up from the east, shining bright orange rays into the park, turning it to life. Bats shunned and returned back to nest, while mynahs and sunbirds began to look for food. Joggers tapped their foot silently on the dew-filled tracks, old men walked and enjoy the Grayish silhouette of the park, breathing heavily on the grassy moist air. Apart from the occasional humming of the crickets and the rustling of leaves, everything remained quiet. Slowly, the sky above the park turned a little blue, it was time for the morning glory to shoot back to life while bullfrogs croaked to the mist enveloping the park.

Soon, the sun moved up a little, giving more light and more life to the park. Fishes in the pond began to feed on the mosquito larvae floating on the surface of the stagnant water. Kingfishers waited patiently by the perch for an easy target, but often distracted by the rapid buzzing of dragonflies finding a suitable area for breeding. Flame of the forests opened their flowers and instantly Honeybees sprint straight to the first blooming flower, scurrying around to gather enough nectar for their nests.

Honeybees worked diligently till noon when the sun proved too hot to resume work. Frogs took a cool bath in the pond, dogs sheltered themselves under trees, and birds flicked water on their feathers just to keep themselves cool. With more damage, the scouring sun made the jogging track baked and cracked. All activities ceased, with the exception of the trees, which enjoyed bathing under the strong and warm rays—the time when the trees undergo optimum photosynthesis.

Soon clouds gathered, and blanketed the sky. Temperature cooled. Before activities resumed, large droplets poured from the sky; birds sought refuge under trees, bikers ran into the nearest man-made shelter, toads burrowed underground. The rain relentlessly hit hard on the ground, turning it wet once again. Now, the soft patting of the rain was the only sound that could be heard, but it sounded so much like a rhythm, a rhythm that came from the park.

Dark clouds split and almost suddenly the chirps and gawks started, as though calling everyone back to work. Dogs, delighted of the cooling of temperature, lazed around the pond, watching ripples caused by raindrops dropping off from tree leaves. The grass field, waxed with water looked bright golden under the reappearing sun, appealed egrets to rest upon it.

Then, the sky changed hue again, but now turning into deep dark shades of purple. The waning crescent moon lightened up the park. Some light fell straight into the water, reflecting the motion of the moving waters; some light threw at trees to form shadow. As the rest of the animals went to sleep, nocturnal animals turned alive. Grey owl sat quietly on a branch, eyeing for a prey to come; with sharp-like claws which gripped the prey so firm that it could not even squeaked for help—death was instant. Nightingales strolled quietly by the pond, listening to the croaking of toads. As we, humans, laid asleep in our beds, these creatures worked quietly in the dead of the night. And yet, everything to us seemed so still, so tranquil, so surreal.

As the stars shifted its initial position across the sky and the moon covered and uncovered by passing clouds, dawn arrived. The mynahs and sunbirds began to look for food, Joggers tapped their foot silently on the dew-filled tracks, old men walked and enjoy the Grayish silhouette of the park, breathing heavily on the grassy moist air that filled the park.

And as it seemed, the day just repeats itself, the cycle never change. It was just a typical day of a park.

This was what i wrote 2months ago, before i took my CA examinations...Tomorrow will be my English paper, who cares right? Hahaha...Mid-yr ain't important, just try my best. I should have posted it earlier so maybe can have some comments...

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Monday, May 03, 2004



Merciless window

The 'venus phase' picture is too white! Don't look really nice. Okay, this 'pillars of light' is cused by street lights, not the sun. Amazing huh? Such thing would never happen in Singapore, sigh..S'pore is small and real boring! A full moon outside my house don't look nice anyway. Speaking of that, there would be an eclipse at 1.30am!!! Most likely i would be wtaching it, but no pictures coz' i don't have a camara! WAhahaha....

Out of good intention, i wanted to help my neighbour class to close their windows, and i got a rather deep cut instead. To ease the profuse blood from flowing, i applied direct pressure over running cold water. And the bleeding stopped fast, in time before 'contaminating' my books. But my books were splashed by the cold running water....dammit!

Studying for chem practical....Let's see whether i can think of anything funny to joke about...i'm bad, i joked too much.
I was told that life isn't a joke, yet the person who told me was a joker himself...

Back to newspaper...Let's hope i can find someone with a picture on the eclipse. =)

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Sunday, May 02, 2004

Nuts
I am playing a super fun game now in preparation for the Bio test!

1. Take out an entire box of peanuts
2. Pick a peanut. Dissect it - take apart the testa and the cotyledons
3. Eat the part which isn't the plumule and radicle
4. Poke interestedly at the radicle
5. Eat it all up!

Modified Version, for those who want funner stuff!

1. Take out an entire box of peanuts.
2. Put a peanut in your mouth and bite it.
3. Look at the other half in your hand.
4. If it has the plumule and radicle, examine it. If not, pop it in your mouth.
5. Eat it all up!

It was delicious...

Bio was never so satisfying!

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The above photo, showing a "bloodshot" sky just after sunset. I love this one!!!

A walk along a busy road
Long time since I last blogged. I walked on a busy road with kiddo tonight. I talked about walking on a busy road will sure brighten up my day with a young lad lad on msn a few days before.

And i can't believe i walked with a kiddo. The kiddo sang 5566, chun zai, and a few others. I missed two buses coz' of him, and when we reached our decimated bus-stop, he decided to walk home, pang sehed me. Damn it. But then, he changed his mind, coz' the road was dark and scaary, he preferred my warm accompaniment. Well, walking with a kiddo did not brighten up my mood afterall...

Feeling strange, appetite gone, heartbeat increased, tiredness overwhelms. Melancholy comes back to me....*wails*

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Saturday, May 01, 2004



This delicately colored winter sunset was captured near Two Rivers, Wisconsin (on Lake Michigan) in January of this year. Weather and cloud patterns along the lake front can change quite quickly. Notice that on this photo, there's more than one type of cumulus clouds present, and the difference in the thickness of the cloud layers is demonstrated by the Sun's rays. The cirrocumulus "sweeps" appear to be below the fluffs of stratocumulus, but they actually form at a higher altitude -- the thinner cirrocumulus clouds are fully illuminated by the Sun, but only the bottom of the stratocumulus layer reflects the sunlight.

Haha, description is like .teaching a Geography lesson. Well, think i'm also crazy about sunset. It do help to relax if you just look out of your window during sunset or sunrise, it will add zest to your day!

Dedicate this picture to those people out there who are stressed either due to exams or hectic working schedule. Must try to destress, yeah? Haha...

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