Some of my guys went with the Hong Kong Scouts to 'Night Safari'. Nah, i'm too tired. And i need to study for my tests. And i just finished studying my biology chapter on mammalian eye.

My A Maths test was simple. Hope to score full marks this time round, to pull up my previous test which i failed. For Sec4 tests ain't important, as long as you do well in your prelim and 'O's. Just the same logic as PSLE, the one and only chance. So i shouldn't be much bothered about these small tests right? Haha.

I got quite a number of projects this year to handle. Tomorrow will be my orientation camp, i will be assisting Bryan. So after tomorrow, one hurdle will be down. Or perhaps two, for i cleared the impromptu project given to me by HQ personnels.

The next upcoming one will be during next month. And guess what, i still have not even lay a finger on the project. Guess i will need to start planning my agenda and programmes in the midst of my tests...sighs...life ain't good.

Don't know whether i did mention about me borrowing a classic love novel during CNY from my auntie, it's a all-time favourite. And one week passed, i only managed to read through 210 pages, 1/5 of the book. Guess the title of the book? I forgot le...

i had not been practising my guitar recently, ears yearning for the sounds...i don't mind if someone play a song for me to energise me from my tiredness...

Song of the day: Tokyo Square (famous becoz' of its chinese instrument 'qin')

Wanted to type something yesterdae night, but too tired to do so. On tuesday, i received an impromptu project from HQ to organise 'some things' for some Hong Kong Scouts whom came down yesterday.
Well, will type more tomorrow, if i got the time.

Feeling very stressed. Lots of things to say, but thoguhts are just scattered, difficult to group and sieve them out of the mess. Haizzz, i'm so dead. Yawnx...wish me luck for tomorow's A Maths test.

Been consoling someone now, but he don't seem to know how to have faith in himself.

Okay, on the first day of CNY, i visit relative, one ang pow from everybody.
On the second day of CNY, my relatives played with me, games of 'buan luck' and 'tai dee'.

Yesterday, i won around 6 bucks.

Today, i lost 6 bucks in 'buan luck'. After that, i entered into the mahjong alley, and was forced to play with them. So i played, and played. For 1.5 hours, i won just three games. Jubilant! I did not count my money at first, but i knew i win, and i certainly did. I peered into my wallet, took out the shillings and crumpled notes, counted and re-counted, i'd indeed won! Won by $0.10....What the heck! My happiness was short-lived.......

Never mind, after that i left the mahjong alley and joined back the cards company. Played 'passport', as i would call it, i had 'full house' after three games. Lost $3.90, i bet little, and i was booted off the arena.

A hole in my pocket, so sad.

Sunset moments arrived. The sun was low below the horizon and the erd glow at the rim of the world faded into pink. Thhe sky above turned slowly from azure into delicate blue-green of a robin's egg; and the unearthly stillness of urban twlight came stealthily down about me. The red furrows and the gashed red road lost their magical blood colour and became plain brown earth. The birds above me stood quietly with heads over the green fence on the 'long kang'. They did not like the dark shade of the colours, and they twitched their ears as if appreciative of my companionship.

So much about sunset. My hands were itchy once again, so i changed my outfit and continued with card game. This time, again, was 'buan luck'. But the sunset as though gave me luck. I'm no avid gambler, and knew nothing of cards tricks, but i won 8 bucks. That's quite awesome!

Now everywhere was black! I still can't figure out how come there is a white star glowing above me. No, not Mars nor Venus, doubt it's jupiter too. Why, the night sky so strange? Nature is so unpredictable, so fascinating. And i would rather it be this way, let it fascinate us. For their secrets sometimes should be remained unknown, so that insolent humans and animals will be always awed and, most importantly respect nature....

New Year's eve.

Well, i got nothing much to say. I brought two pants today, in J8, alone. Hmm, asked QL for accompaniment, but she was somewhere far away, kena 'ps' earlier on. Well, the salesperson was so courteous when she served me, not those typical ones i see normally.

New Year le, and i felt as if nothing happening. The mood, and everything was gone, gone with the wind. I'm numb, don't know why. Heart still heavy, can't seem to forget my worries. Maybe i just need to learn how to relax.

Mainly i blame it on my procrastination. Because i drag things along with me, i can't finish things on time, maybe with the exception of homework that need to be handed up, those that need not hand up, i wouldn't care less. So, with unfinished work into the New Year makes my heart wanna complete it once and for all, but my mind's too lazy. So, it resulted in my heart feeling more stress and uneasy, that it increases its mass and density. If measured, my heart weighs 2500g instead of the usual 600g. So the heavy weight pulls my body down, and so pulls my mood 'down'. Simple logic?

Okay, but it matters not with you. You go and enjoy your CNY, if you read these whole chunk of shit, please bear with me and try not to let it spoil your mood. New year is a time for rest and play and gamble and smoke, so enjoy it while days lasts! Earn more money through gambling, and give half of your share to me! =)

Had not blog for quite some time.

I got to realise that i placed top 7 in school last year. I only realised it after i got my edusave. In addition to Eagles, my pocket is quite heavy. Heh heh. Oh, i owe TIC a treat for him taknig the trouble to sign me up for Eagles. A treat of coffee? Haha.

I gonna stretch myself in the month of Feb so hard that i can attain both my Chief Comissioner Award and my three projects. Busy, i also suddenly realised that i had been neglecting my assessments which should help me in my 'o' level.
People tell me time is still long before 'o's, but now *poof* January is going to history soon, and soon *poof* x 10 'o's is here!

Arghh, my sit at the back of the classroom is getting me 'du lan'. Teachers sometimes just speak too softly, i did request them to shout lie they are talking to partially hearing-impaired people, and i also request them to write as big as possible like they aer writing to someone who is going to be blind. But after raising my hand up and down in the midst of the lesson, i'm also sick of it.

Yes yes, it's ultimately my fault. Our fault as i'm the representative for those students at the back row. Need to shift position le. Will go on a protest. My eyesight 6/6, and i can't even see clearly. What the hell? I'm feeling more like a blind and deaf man. *sobx*

I'm also the spokemen for the class to say about 'lengthening of lesson time' during the dialogue session. Must prepare some things nice to say, pleasing for both students and teachers.

I'm still tired, too many things to do, and i don't even know where to start. It's nothing about priority, everything seems so important. I wrote 5 CNY cards to my friends. My strange way of representing myself made them quite surprised. The last card i sent was written only with the nice big word "thanks!" =) REceiver should be surprised. heehee....

I only received one card for CNY till now, and for christmas i also only received one card. Both are female. Not trying to mean anything. Haha...

CNY actually means nothing much to me. It's just a day to rest and have fun. And perhaps to get money! MONEY! Maybe i still take the warmth when people gather for granted. I don't know. Everything is so uncertain for me. I wanted to use these spare time to start on my Chief Comissioner Award project, wanna be the first in 12years to get it. But Dennis should be first, be second also not bad. =)

I'm back to the oldies again. The calm, nostalgic songs kept repeating in my head. Feel in love with Tokyo square. Perhaps the remix version too! Both sounds as good.
Longed for time to have a touch of guitar again. It's been quite sometime i'd played it. Instruments really helps to stimulate your nerves at times. Cool you down, make you sub-conscious, drifting away to the world of your own.

"Bloggers tend to be a sharp group. After all, writing on a daily basis forces you to think and typing does require some hand-eye coordination. If you end up getting yourself fired for blogging, deep down you must have really wanted out of that job. If that's the case, keep blogging."

Copied from blogger 'help' page

Hey, i really wonder who will take the pain to read my blog without knowing my password. By refreshing the page again and again to read the content of my post. And guess what, these readers visit my blog everyday! Whatever i write must be so important to you, that you don't mind the flashing of whites and blacks whenever you click 'refresh'. Wahahaha.

Three days after my last post. I'll try harder to have a post everyday. I'll try, okay?

Busy days for me. Maybe i need some time to have the enthusiasm on my subjects. My endurance level was also very low, needed at least a short 5min rest every one hour. Normally, i can work up to 8hrs without stopping.

One unexpected thing happened to me today. I passed my Physics test. The test was upon 30, and i never even expect a two-digit mark on my script. I got a B4, guess how much i got? Haha, so obvious, get back to basic mathematics.

I happened to read 'fullstop', a paper produced by Singapore Polytechnic. Dont' know how it landed on my table. Never mind, i sae this article written by an Alumni member of SP. The title was "The way of life: Procrastination". Haha, the passage was short and not much of meaning in it. The article don't seem to have a strong stand that procrastination is bad, but rather the author was just saying he as a procrastinator. Arghh, so lame. Thought it can somehow make me reflect and not procrastinate, but after reading i felt better with procrastination.

Forcing myself to read an anti-procrastinator article saying about the wrongs of procrastination, to tell myself that prcrastination is wrong. But somehow, involuntary, it's just a way of life.
Being interested in the things you do, but dragging work that don't interests you. I mean it's just so natural, involuntary. Arghh, i make no sense. I guess I'm standing at the wrong side of this arguement.

For this year, my sitting place is at the back of the class. Teachers often claimed that they can't see me, coz' the person infront was blocking me. It's better not to be spotted though, it's a good feeling, just like you are invisible, transparent in the class. But who cares, as long as i can comprehend what teacher is talking about, that's good enough. =)

Time running out, won't mention about today's scout meeting, i'm the only person from my level present for the meeting. Haha.

Had a talk with TIC again. He explained to me quite a number of things. He kept saying: Don't think everyone is like you.
haiz, is being the odd one out good? Outstanding ar?

I'm back. Really no mood to blog. But then think i will just post something.

Orientation was well done, 40 people signed in, but this damn school only allow 15 people to join this year. simply ridiculous.

Though i succeeded, i anticipated this feeling of sadness. Not because there was no words of praises nor thanks, not because i'm mad with someone (though i really did), the feeling of emptiness, melancholy saddened me.

The night before that fateful day, i had an intense arguement with TIC. We are stubborn fellows, we stood at our own viewpoints, not willing to give in. So the conversation ended with him just hanging up the phone.

Deep reflection i did, but it just resulted in more agony. I decided to have some peace through the night, so i off my phone, act sleeping, to avoid any communication with the world. Nice one ,eh? And i received trashings from alot of people whom can't contact me through the night. I mean i also deserve some rest in the night right?

Maybe i shall set the rules like calling after 10pm is considered as harrassments (police report). Calling after midnight will be slaughtered alive like cows and chickens.

In Oriente Primus

Blogger back to normal yesterday. I don't have time to post, so post i will today.

Guess what? Tomorrow is my orientation/ open house 2004. Making a comparison with the other core uniformed group, i believe that our exhibition room is among the cream of all. But well, lots of things still left undone, with last minute arrangements that proposals are no longer needed to save time. Gonna make it look better, with more things to show...

Feeling frenzied, for no apparant reason. Mind spinning fast--thinking what i had missed out. Worries still linger in me, afraid that some small folly of mine will led to a big failure. Do you sometimes feel that you had missed out something, but unable to think of it at that moment?
But sometimes, it's true and sometimes it's just over-reacting and useless. And frankly, i felt something like that now, wonder if the former or latter is right....

It was good not to hear TIC scoldings today when we were decorating and setting up our display room. So silence means pleased. Though smile nor laugh was not with him, i felt the air of satisfaction in him. I might be wrong, but i hope i'm not.

I suddenly realised if you agree to do something, you will often do it well. No matter you like it or not, committed or not, you need to do it coz' you brought it about yourself. But often the taste of satisfaction isn't that great, coz' you always think you can do better than this. On the other hand, if you are forced to do something, the commitment and dedication will not be there. work though averagely done, but satisfaction is there. The phrase "work harder, enjoy more" don't seem to apply more, for satisfaction isn't there.

Yes, i know the 'battle' have not begun, but if i were to grade myself, i will just give myself a B4. Perhaps, i just unable to forgive myself for the small, stupid mistakes i made. Sometimes, forgiving yourself isn't as easy as forgiving others. "lu4 zi3 yan2, dai3 ren2 kuan1' had its meaning indeed.

Two happenings to mention. Firstly, 5 guides (Qian Qian, Hui Min, Lay Ying, Marilyn, and one more) came to our exhibition room, called my name, made me embarrassly walked out , and they offered their sincerest help to help us do some 'location flyers'. We chatted of course, i talked trash, they made sense out of it. I accepted their kind help, i hope they had no motive, do they?

Hui Xin lent me her 'kiwi starch' for me to starch my uniform. Her sleepy eyes, when i met her at her doorstep, was amusing. But well, i ought to ask her whether she need it. Arghh, think i better return now.

Anyway, thanks to these six people that made my day more cheerful!

Written so much of crazy cuffs, i better get going, to comtemplate about tomorrow's situation, and getting ready to face the worst or the best.

Blogger is still down! Damn again.

Damn it, i totally forgotten about my brochure project. Luckily, my senior called and reminded me about the due date which is tomorrow! Oh gosh, i really gonna die!

Sadly, i'm the company leader of my troop. No matter how many desperate attempts to shake off that position, it is still with me. =( So now, more things to do, higher expectations.

Suddenly i felt so dreadful. Dreadful coz' of the new year; dreadful coz' of school term; dreadful coz' of the incoming orientation; dreadful of things that i don't even know. Moments of blues these few days, can't sort it out even after deep-cracking rationalising. Arghh, hope the feeling will just disappear and not linger further.

A question we, the leader's council, debated yesterday (i started it to waste their time =P): Should a leader be guided and advised throughout his projects, or he should be left on his own and guide himself throughout his projects?

For me, i prefer the latter. Coz' with a person guiding you, you are inevitably controlled by the guider in a way or another. But the latter meant the hard way out. If you fail, you get to experience the pain and muster enough strength to start all over again. (I'm not masochistic!) This process is mentally demanding. And if you pass, the credits are entirely to yourself, no sharing of credits to your adviser. But the former allows most of the projects not-to-fail, and so preventing the waste of time and energy. Which one you think is better?

Still on holiday mood. Will only start doing things after Sunday. Ohh, one thing to be done, my testimonial. Time pass real fast, a new year to begin with, and soon the year will pass, and another year will begin. And it will continue, till the time you die.

Then looking back at those pamperings in kintergarden, learning to grow up in primary school, peer pressure in secondary school, infatuation in JC, toughness of army, serious dating in Uni, then bury in work for the rest of life. Perhaps some important milestones along the way; like marriage, divorce, first child, promotion, etc.

Life is full of colours, fun or misery; before dying, perhaps if take a flashback into the past, the person might think life is so short. For life have so much goals set at different points, and impossible to acheive all. Of course there are better goals that requires special efforts to reach it, and most of the time, we spent our fullest dedication and concentration on that special cheese, and neglect other small cheeses lying around, just within an arm distance to grasp it.

You can relate it to your life; special goals are your businesses, studies, etc. And those minor goals that don't really attract you, or rather you are too absorbed in the big cheese and forget the small cheeses: a best friend whom you can count on, etc.

Well, why people realise they kena cancer when it's at its last stage? It is just that, human, normally don't see small changes happening, or perhaps ignoring it, thinking it won't cause much effect and it seemed so till something pain and frightening happen. Ignorance sometimes not the only cause. Escapism is a culprit too. And then, they will whine, why fate is so cruel to them, but it's their own doing that causes that.

So what i meant to say is get used to check how much cheese left in the cheese station--take note of small trival happenings around the surroundings. Or else, heh heh, suffering is inevitable.

Life is short Get used to adjust and adapt to changes. Get used to open your eyes, and see around, get used to know your territory well, no matter how small it is. Get used to the cruel reality of the world; get used to the sarcasm and ignorance of fellowmates. Get used to find joy in your work, and get used to be happy and contented. Get used to admire and appreciate in everything, or most of the things.
And so, i will conclude this 'get-used' list is the agenda for 2004!

Commonplaces never become tiresome.
It is we who become tired when we cease to be curious
and appreciative . . . [We] find that it is not
a new scene which is needed, but a new viewpoint.

- Norman Rockwell

"To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour."

William Blake (from Auguries of Innocence, c.1800)

Isn't this quote nice? I like it, if i can grasp such power, i will

"To crush earth like a grain of sand
And put heaven inside a wild flower
Hold humans in the palm of my hand
And destroy them for eternity."

I'm crazy. Haha